Anarchic Lady

Sorry I haven't been able to blog for a while.

It was too depressing to be reminded of this but i had to place it somewhere.

Mr. Q-T will forever be remembered
14 October 2004 - 7 December 2007

I'm sorry I had to let you go. Please forgive me.

Now now, don't tell me I'm wrong. I might have made a mistake. Yes, fedup and pissed off. The back to work issue didn't work out as well as I would have hoped. I'm really sick and tired of all the crap I have to put up with.

I know I stepped onto shit again. Once bitten, twice shy theory didn't work on me. Please, life is never meant to be smooth sailing. I had a choice but I choose to do it the hard way. I thought having a relaxed environment to work in was good enough for me. Nope, basically, I'm just slacking for one minute, and then working my ass off like there is no tomorrow. I hate the rush at the end, Why can't it be more consistent?

Sometimes certain assholes just like to make things difficult for others which in turn makes things difficult for me.

Fine. Just a few more days. It will be over soon.

I hate LDR.
Anyone whose been through it will know. It is a stairway to destruction of stable love.
Is it really that horrible? I see it slowly creeping up to me and what do we do? We avoid at all cost. But somethings never change, only one party will be involved in keeping it at bay by bombing all possible routes.

I'm sorry to say that one is me. Trying with all my might to proof a point, but this point is not for me to proof. I can no longer hold the fort. The walls are crumbling, no matter how tough it appears, it cannot withstand such bombardment. I failing. Being all alone in this fight, I thought there would be a partner to fight this with me. I can't remember when that person died. In the mist of all this, I'm still 2nd in command. After fighting so hard, I was never promoted. All this while I thought I was taking the lead, to my disappointment it never happen.

I will try to give it another shot, but it seems my only strength is also my only weakness. Too bad for me. I really hope this war will be over soon.

I'm hungry, whose gonna cook for me.
nobody can tell the difference between a relationship and friendship.
it is sometimes confusing and I'm being mixed into this confusion. I try to make it clear to everyone, I fail miserably again.

Should LDR end? Which way should it go? The good side or bad side? Which is which anyway? I'm still trying to figure that out. My contemplation is causing more problems for me.

I miss the Bear.
I miss the Bear's scent.
I miss the Bear's hug.
I miss the Bear's smile.

I miss partying with the Bear.
I miss hanging out with the Bear
I miss gaming with the Bear.
I miss watching a movie with the Bear.
I miss laughing with the Bear.
I miss talking to the Bear.

Mr. M.I.A is ill.

I believe that in the darkness there will be some light.
I can struggle and tumble but I will fight.
I will climb that endless flight of stairs.
I will reach the finish line no matter what.

I started the course of revamping my folio. I'm a nut! Repeat again and again. I'm going no where. Well you can see, all i did was the opening page with a few words and some lame graphic. My brain just freeze at that point. But no worries, I got something. I think. I'm day dreaming again.

I'm still sick of this lame arse. I'm sick. Literally sick. I decided to stop complaining because nothing is gonna change no matter how much I say. I decided to accept what fate has decided for me and admit defeat. I want to fight but I'm losing my will power. I'm all alone in this battle.

This maybe my last breath of retaliation.

Will anyone stand with me?

You all are just too coward to stand up for what you believe. You all are cowards too afraid to explore, too scared to take the risk, to gamble, you all have no guts to admit that you want something different. You all are just losers who follow the crowd and accept that this is life. You all are just frogs living in a well thinking you are so damn bloody great.

I jumped out. I did it, seen it, lived it.

Too bad I got dragged in again. Some clueless bugger thought that its not so great after all, idiots trying to pretend they know it all. What do they know? They have never done it, never seen it, let alone lived it. Saying its Bullshit cause they are just jealous that you choose to live a better life.

- depression quote no. 240 still counting

Same old story, I'm still here. Still alive.

I was due to leave this place but I'm stuck. As usual no one understands the difficulty.

I'm recreating my folio. Again from scratch. I'm too disgusted with my current one that I don't even go there to look at it anymore. I totally cannot be bothered with it and left it there to rot and die off like a lonely bum leaving on the streets. - totally uninspiring.

No inspiration at all. I'm trying very hard but I guess I tried too hard. Not even a drop off creativity can be squeezed out from this already dry well. Sick off it all.

I need a break. A real break. Just send me to a deserted island where I can drift off into darkness and be forgotten.

I have no personality. This is why it has become so hard. I can't be myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know how to present myself. I don't know what represents me. I'm like a floating soul with no ownership of anything. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want.

Let me put it simple. I can't draw, I can't create, I can't design. FULL STOP.
Stop forcing me to do something and let me do something.

Creativity cannot be forced. It has to be inspired.
I am not inspired.

I need help. Send me a therapist. No send me some inspiration.

- Mr. M.I.A is around everyone.
- Mr. Q-T hasn't had a bath in a long time. (smelly)