Anarchic Lady

Now now, don't tell me I'm wrong. I might have made a mistake. Yes, fedup and pissed off. The back to work issue didn't work out as well as I would have hoped. I'm really sick and tired of all the crap I have to put up with.

I know I stepped onto shit again. Once bitten, twice shy theory didn't work on me. Please, life is never meant to be smooth sailing. I had a choice but I choose to do it the hard way. I thought having a relaxed environment to work in was good enough for me. Nope, basically, I'm just slacking for one minute, and then working my ass off like there is no tomorrow. I hate the rush at the end, Why can't it be more consistent?

Sometimes certain assholes just like to make things difficult for others which in turn makes things difficult for me.

Fine. Just a few more days. It will be over soon.

I hate LDR.
Anyone whose been through it will know. It is a stairway to destruction of stable love.
Is it really that horrible? I see it slowly creeping up to me and what do we do? We avoid at all cost. But somethings never change, only one party will be involved in keeping it at bay by bombing all possible routes.

I'm sorry to say that one is me. Trying with all my might to proof a point, but this point is not for me to proof. I can no longer hold the fort. The walls are crumbling, no matter how tough it appears, it cannot withstand such bombardment. I failing. Being all alone in this fight, I thought there would be a partner to fight this with me. I can't remember when that person died. In the mist of all this, I'm still 2nd in command. After fighting so hard, I was never promoted. All this while I thought I was taking the lead, to my disappointment it never happen.

I will try to give it another shot, but it seems my only strength is also my only weakness. Too bad for me. I really hope this war will be over soon.

I'm hungry, whose gonna cook for me.
nobody can tell the difference between a relationship and friendship.
it is sometimes confusing and I'm being mixed into this confusion. I try to make it clear to everyone, I fail miserably again.

Should LDR end? Which way should it go? The good side or bad side? Which is which anyway? I'm still trying to figure that out. My contemplation is causing more problems for me.

I miss the Bear.
I miss the Bear's scent.
I miss the Bear's hug.
I miss the Bear's smile.

I miss partying with the Bear.
I miss hanging out with the Bear
I miss gaming with the Bear.
I miss watching a movie with the Bear.
I miss laughing with the Bear.
I miss talking to the Bear.

Mr. M.I.A is ill.

I believe that in the darkness there will be some light.
I can struggle and tumble but I will fight.
I will climb that endless flight of stairs.
I will reach the finish line no matter what.

I started the course of revamping my folio. I'm a nut! Repeat again and again. I'm going no where. Well you can see, all i did was the opening page with a few words and some lame graphic. My brain just freeze at that point. But no worries, I got something. I think. I'm day dreaming again.

I'm still sick of this lame arse. I'm sick. Literally sick. I decided to stop complaining because nothing is gonna change no matter how much I say. I decided to accept what fate has decided for me and admit defeat. I want to fight but I'm losing my will power. I'm all alone in this battle.

This maybe my last breath of retaliation.

Will anyone stand with me?

You all are just too coward to stand up for what you believe. You all are cowards too afraid to explore, too scared to take the risk, to gamble, you all have no guts to admit that you want something different. You all are just losers who follow the crowd and accept that this is life. You all are just frogs living in a well thinking you are so damn bloody great.

I jumped out. I did it, seen it, lived it.

Too bad I got dragged in again. Some clueless bugger thought that its not so great after all, idiots trying to pretend they know it all. What do they know? They have never done it, never seen it, let alone lived it. Saying its Bullshit cause they are just jealous that you choose to live a better life.

- depression quote no. 240 still counting

Same old story, I'm still here. Still alive.

I was due to leave this place but I'm stuck. As usual no one understands the difficulty.

I'm recreating my folio. Again from scratch. I'm too disgusted with my current one that I don't even go there to look at it anymore. I totally cannot be bothered with it and left it there to rot and die off like a lonely bum leaving on the streets. - totally uninspiring.

No inspiration at all. I'm trying very hard but I guess I tried too hard. Not even a drop off creativity can be squeezed out from this already dry well. Sick off it all.

I need a break. A real break. Just send me to a deserted island where I can drift off into darkness and be forgotten.

I have no personality. This is why it has become so hard. I can't be myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know how to present myself. I don't know what represents me. I'm like a floating soul with no ownership of anything. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want.

Let me put it simple. I can't draw, I can't create, I can't design. FULL STOP.
Stop forcing me to do something and let me do something.

Creativity cannot be forced. It has to be inspired.
I am not inspired.

I need help. Send me a therapist. No send me some inspiration.

- Mr. M.I.A is around everyone.
- Mr. Q-T hasn't had a bath in a long time. (smelly)

MR M.I.A went missing again!

WHERE ARE YOU!!

Soon to be jobless once again.
I know my options, I am aware of my situation.
But will I follow it through?

I can't stand being in this place I'm in. I can't stand this lifeless soul.
I can't stand the attack of the green monster. I can't stand not being there.
I can't stand not being able to fight. I can't stand not being able to stand for what I believe.
I can't stand not being able to make my own choice.
I can't stand making choices I can't stand.
I can't stand being the way I am.

Paranoid. For the longest time. I am back to square one. I am back to where I first started out.
Why not just throw me back to where I came from.

Hermit in the making. Leave alone, and stop wiping the tears of the face. No matter how hard you try it will never stop flowing. It will continue to flow from the heart as it continues to hurt.

Concentrate. Please pay attention.

Yesterday was my BFF Ryce Birthday. Sad to say I'm not there to celebrate with her but no worries, Melvin is there with her.

The Cowgum as I know her~
Is like the "sotong" in the ocean. Blur Blur Blur.
She is a struggling fish trying to swim free.
Idealistic girl that tries to fulfil every fantansy but sometimes gives up because its too hard to follow through.
Depends alot on everyone but herself.
My one and only member friend in my "exclusive Billy club" - she could be better off than me now.
The only one that is willing to listen to all my crap about love and life.
The only one that understands the pain and suffering of life in Mahogany.
Clubbing is never better without her.

If you are looking for a drinking partner, you found her.
Smoke all you want cause she will gladly accept the invitation. Smoking does not mean only ciggis.

Girl I Miss You so Much.

My dear half-English, half-Singaporean friend came from London and met up with me for some serious chat. In some way it was quite comforting, a not so old friend who knows me like an old friend. Someone who listens and understands everything. I felt a little better after dinner. I was motivated to pursue my own dream. To live for myself - I will work towards that. He said we should all be motivated somehow and there will always be something to push ourself. I think I found that something. ~ ting ting ~

My friend - I may not feel you but I will listen to you, forgive yourself when you can, you can live better, at least better than me.

I saw the light, I broke down when he did. I knew nothing was treasured more than this moment.

I miss you too. very much.

Didn't like what I saw, once again the feeling, the third sense, the intuition so strong like the other times. I know I maybe wrong but every time I was right. I am afraid. It is an unbearable thought but I can only stay behind and hope and pray this time I am really wrong.

Like a real monkey the bear has gone wild, I can no longer control it. Every time it tries to take advantage of this situation, with all the many dangerous queen bee around but will the bear take take the fall? I will try not to think of it. I'm a mess - total chaos.

I know what I'm doing, someone told me that this process is seen common and even he/she has experienced it a few times. Trap!! The feeling of complete is still far far away but there is nothing more one can do. The obvious is placed right before me, I'm not dumb I know how to count. I see that I'm at the losing end. After all the hard work and long hours, I concluded, I'm nothing. I got nothing, I'm worth nothing. These peanuts is only enough to feed nobody, I'm doom to starve and remain penniless.

If this is the so call proper way of life I think its bullshit. Who with the right mind would settle for this? ME. People made the worst mistakes for others thinking is for their own good, BLAH..... for "their own good" you mean. How do you determine what's good? GOOD FOR YOU? I see the point in all this, I'm blind, I'm not thinking straight, I'm confused - WHATEVER! You see a thing you can't see, you listen to something you can't hear. You think you know it all, you are sure you know it all, wrong. Changes have to be made, never give up, hang on tight. No pain No gain.

Like they say, I lived with 3 people - ME, MYSELF and I. I'm in no position to control any one of them.

Run free people, you only have 1 chance. I didn't get mine.

I admit, I'm guilty, I haven't blog for awhile, way too busy getting my double life organise.
I say double. Happy and unhappy. I tried so hard to cover up my other half, the nastier one ofcos but will it try to break out one day?

I'm tired! This is worse then shift work, at least I work 8hrs MAX!! now its 10hrs MINIMUM. This sucks, why do I have to torture myself like this everyday? I'm not doing it for me, I'm not doing it for happiness, I am going against everything I live for, against everything I want. Why do I have to let someone decide my future? What is more important? My happiness or my future? Maybe to someone none of these matters, as long as we all live by the rules, the storm will never come.

Take me with you please I beg you. I'm sorry.

I fell from the sky when they took them away from me.
I want to fly again, to be what I want to be.
I want to be me.

Don't take my wings away from me.
Let me fly high above mountains.
Let me see beyond the seas.
Just let me be with my wings.

It was the usual boring speeches. The first couple was loud click clack but after the 50th person everyone started to die down. So to snap everyone out of their daydream I managed to prep my voice for the right moment. When Anlyn appeared on stage, I voiced my support the loudest I can. Sending the "boom boom" from top to bottom waking everyone up in shock. It worked like magic.

After 1hr 45mins the ordeal is finally over, and we cannot miss the traditional photo taking session. COOL!

Yesterday was my last day, no more fancy stories of gambling, money and famous people.

I was sort of looking forward to this day, getting a break from work for awhile but I'll miss all the friends I made. Finally, just when everything at work is going well I have to leave it.

Starting over is gonna be hard on me.

Happy 2007!! This is what I see in every blog I read and everyone is telling me this. It maybe the best holiday cause of the long weekend but to me it just sucks!!!

SUCKS!! SUCKS!! SUCKS!!!

The worst new year ever and I thought last year was bad. Every one hyped up and going on about the New Year Party, assholes!! Don't come rattling to me about how great a time you had and don't even come close to asking me how was my new year party.

WHY? I have to freaking party in Mahogany with drunken losers who don't go home to celebrate with their family, instead they gamble their new year countdown away. What do I have to do? I have to squeeze and turn struggling to keep myself away from perverted drunks and sheepslap bitches.

Toss to nothing in my empty glass since I don't drink, with everyone else who hated their life working with me and would trade places with anyone, offering a million bucks to those who are willing. Pity none took the offer.

We slog our new year away and cheapskate fu*ks don't give a damn.

I thought the lonely New year 2006 was bad, now its worst. So what if my love one is here with me! This is the last holiday I have and the last it will be.

No more work. I'm going home.